What I Have Been Meaning to Write

My Dad keeps bugging me about not updating our blog. I have had good intentions, but just did not know how to say exactly what has been going on in our lives and in my mind. Here goes!

TTC. Three letters that have been consuming our lives the past few months. Actually since the summer 0f 2009. Trying to Conceive. We have been desperately trying to have a second child for almost two years. It has been the most stressful time of my life. We had no difficulties getting pregnant with Jake. It took no time at all. We also got pregnant in the end of April 2010, but I miscarried at the end of May. Since then, there has been nothing but frustration and disappointment. My OB, whom I love and just want to help me through another pregnancy, started us on Clomid, to help stimulate ovulation. He thought that was maybe the issue. After several months of this, it was not helping. He suggested seeing a fertility specialist. I was sent to a clinic in Minneapolis, close to Abbott Northwestern Hospital. Kind of a scary area, but used to driving down Lake Street to Chicago Avenue now. This clinic was one that my friend, who had been TTC for years, found success at. After meeting with my doctor, he thought that since I had technically got pregnant two times, he did not think there needed to be further testing (beyond what my OB did, which showed no concerns) done. The plan was for me to go back onto Clomid, then use Ovidrel to trigger ovulation, and finally have an IUI done. Our first IUI was in February, right around my conference time. Not the best time to be going into the doctor and having to miss school, but we cannot be picky with timing now. I was trying to be really optimistic, until I started to show signs of getting my period again. Joe was out of town when I was showing signs, so I was left to deal with it on my own. Not a fun experience. I went in for a blood test and it resulted in a BFN (big fat negative-another acronym I have learned). We decided to take the month of March off because we went to Mexico with Joe's work right around the time I would have had to be seen multiple days in a row at the clinic. April was our next round. We had two IUIs done, back-to-back, in order to increase our chances. Again, at the end of my 2ww (two week wait), I started to show signs of getting my period. I went in and had a test done, and it was a BFN. I did not realize that the light flow I had before my test was the real thing, which then screwed up trying for another round in May. I am currently in my 2ww for our June 1st and 2nd IUI. I go in for my test Tuesday morning. I am showing signs again of getting my period, so I am not feeling too good about getting a BFP (big fat positive). Again, Joe is out of town, so I am trying to deal with my feelings on my own. We have a meeting set up with my doctor in the middle of June to discuss the next course of action, provided that things don't work for this round.

As if all this disappointment wasn't hard enough, two of our friends just found out they are pregnant. One with their first, and one with their second. I have had a really hard time dealing with this and have not really wanted to spend time with these friends. I am happy for them, deep down inside, but I think I am more jealous than happy. I have never wanted something so bad in my life, and now the two of them have what I want. It will take some time for me to feel up to spending time with either of them.

All I want is for Jake to have a brother or sister. I want him to have someone to spend time with, play with, take care of, enjoy spending time with as he gets older. Joe and I are both lucky that we each have siblings we are close to. I don't want Jake to be an only child.

Throughout all of this, all I hear and read, is to not be stressed. That is so easier said than done. Of course I am stressed. How could someone not possibly be stressed? I stress about not stressing. For someone who needs to be in control, this uncontrollable situation is so hard to go through.

I am hoping to be able to share good news in the future about this whole TTC thing. Keep thinking positive thoughts for us, because at times, it is hard for us to stay positive on our own.