Not Sure How to Feel

This 2ww has me feeling lots of different emotions. I guess it is making the days go by faster with all these thoughts in my head. Here are just a few...in no particular order!

•Worried-the timing of this IUI was off due to the holidays and I am concerned that things will not work because of it.

•Guilt-I recently found out that a very close friend of mine and her husband went through, and are continuing to go, through things that are worse than infertility. I felt bad complaining to her when we talked this week once I heard what she had going on in her life.

•Frustration-People around us seem to continue to get pregnant and we can't. A cousin of Joe's just announced their second pregnancy. I thought I heard something about it on Thanksgiving, but I did not care to find out if it was true. Their first was born after Jake. It is just not fair. To be honest, I have not congratulated them, and don't know when I will. I won't be seeing them for a few months. Like I have said before, infertility brings out a side of you that is so bitter. Is it right? Wrong? Should anyone be able to judge my decisions? I don't really care, I guess.

•Confused-Do we stop our journey if this cycle doesn't work? Should we get a second opinion and ask for more testing? I wish I knew the answers.

•Sadness-Jake keeps telling me he wants a little brother and sister. He told me I had them in my tummy. Oh, the innocence of a 3 year old. I want to give him that so much.

•Hope-hoping for a positive! Plain and simple. I packed away some toddler toys this week that Jake doesn't play with anymore, but maybe some child in the future will. Hoping the little twinges and cramps are a good sign and the spotting I have been have on occasion is nothing bad.

It is a good thing I am on break. I wouldn't be able to teach very well with all this on my mind.

Good night!

I Have the Best Timing

After all the issues we had with the pharmacy on Wednesday, it did not surprise me that when I went to the doctor yesterday that they would tell me I would be ready for my IUI on Sunday. The one day a year my clinic is closed. The nurse gave me some options as to what I could do. I asked her what she thought would give me the most success. I continued with another 75ius of Menopur last night and this afternoon, I will give myself the HCG shot. We will go in tomorrow morning for the IUI and then have to send in reinforcements on our own on Sunday. As embarrassed as I am to have just typed that, I feel like the world already knows everything that is going on with our infertility journey, so what is one more piece of information?

Yesterday was my day to finish up Christmas shopping while Jake went to daycare. He had fun and I was productive! I have all my presents wrapped and under the tree. I think Joe still has a few presents for Jake to wrap, and then we are all set for Christmas. We are heading to my parents' house tomorrow night, waking up at our house Sunday, and then off to Joe's aunt and uncle's house later in the day. We spent last Sunday celebrating Christmas early with Joe's mom, step-dad, his brother, and his grandparents. This year we wil not see them on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

I have had to explain to Jake a few times that he will not see his cousin, Hailey, tomorrow, for Christmas. It is her year to be with her mom on Christmas and will be with Matt between Christmas and New Year's Day. He knows that she has a step-mom and step-dad and lives in two different houses. He is still trying to understand that he doesn't always get to see her when he sees Jordan and Paige. We get to head to St. Cloud on New Year's Day to celebrate with her. It will be fun to see all four cousins together and the excitement that the holidays bring.

Wish us luck for tomorrow (and Sunday)! Happy Holidays!

Sixth Round a Charm?

We are giving IUI one more try this year. I was enjoying the last part of November and the first part of December without any appointments, shots, blood draws, etc. I didn't even realize that my next cycle was supposed to start when it did. The doctor changed my Menopur dosage because he felt I was producing too many follicles, too quickly. He wanted them to have more time to develop before I had to trigger. One night I gave my self 150ius and the next night was 75 ius. Then I just repeated that process for 8 days. I am sitting in the waiting room right now hoping to be called quickly. My amazing co-workers offered to split the students in my first class, so I wouldn't have to take a 1/2 day off. Today is the last day before break and the last think I want to do is be getting ready for a sub and leaving my teammates with a bunch of crazy kids. Not that they wouldn't be crazy already due to the fact they had only a few hours until freedom...

As I was in the middle of this post, I was called into the exam room. One more day of meds and back tomorrow for another check. I am hoping things look good tomorrow (which would mean an iui on Saturday) because the clinic is closed on Sunday. I am trying not to think about what we would do if we had to wait until Monday and if my body would ovulate on its own and if we miss the window of opportunity. I told my mom I wasn't going to think about it, so I won't.

I am not very happy with my pharmacy. At first I was upset with my insurance company, but now I know it is the pharmacy I need to have a few words with. Joe went to go pick up my prescription that I needed for tonight and they told them my insurance would not let us refill it there and that we would have to go to a specialty pharmacy. The only specialty pharmacy my insurance covers is a mail order one. I need my meds by 8:00 this evening. There would ne no way to get then here in time. I was there just on Saturday and picked up that exact prescription. I know things can change fast with insurance, but in the matter of 4 days? I learned this as I was in the middle of teaching. Thankfully, the students were working on a project that is due after break, so I could give my insurance company a call. I was in tears on the phone telling the customer service representative that this whole cycle would be shot it if I could not get the meds today. She was very understanding and seemed confused by what I was telling her the pharmacy told Joe. She put me on hold and later said she would give me a call back. I did not realize it at the time, but Joe had been calling the insurance company and was trying to figure this whole mess out, too. I was so thankful he was taking time out of his day to do this. In the end, it was the pharmacy that was entering a wrong number as they were submitting my order to my insurance. Joe made it seem like they would not fully admit to doing this, but when they tried an additional number, it went through. I have to decide if I am going to call them and talk to them about this or not. You do not tell someone who is trying to pick up fertility medication that all of a sudden you are no longer able to fill their prescription! I am glad Joe dealt with the pharmacy, as I would have lost it. All these hormones are making me a sensitive mess!

Hoping for good news tomorrow. Trying to stay cautiously optimistic again. The two boards I am in through babycenter have had a lot of successes. I hope I can be one of them, and soon!

Fall Update

Most have my posts have been infertility related.  We have been busy with other things, too.  Here is a quick update with photos from October and November.

The ladies in my neighborhood were all cats at Sarah's Halloween Party

Brady and Jake at the end of Trick-or-Treating

Neither one of them wanted to smile

Playing at our Halloween Party.  They ditched their costumes before I could get a picture of Spongebob and Raphael

Jamie and Me at our party

Jake having a snack at his preschool open house

Circle Time

Singing songs for the parents

Pumpkin Song

Waiting to start

So happy that Mom. Grandma, and Papa Knutson could come watch :)

Jake and my cousin's boys playing Lightsabers on cell phones.  The wonders of technology!

Mid dual

Another cousin's peanut~August

Happy Thanksgiving!

Not This Time

I have been putting off updating the results of our pregnancy test last week.  It was a negative.  I had been catching myself thinking "What if it did work..." thoughts the night before the test.  I was mad at myself for doing that. 

It was a rough Tuesday, as I was at a workshop when I received the news.  There were no less than 4 pregnant teachers going through the training with me.  Of course I had to work as a partner with two of them at one point  in the afternoon.  I did feel better Wednesday after I had several good cries.  Jake was really worried when I was on the phone with my sister and started crying.  He was so sweet when he hugged me and told me not to be so sad.  I wish I could, buddy.

We are taking this next cycle off and then will decide what to do next. 

When is Enough Just Enough?

I started to ask myself that question yesterday.  I had some more spotting yesterday that was making me think that this cycle was not successful.  I still have to wait to get the official news Tuesday afternoon.  I began wondering when will I know, and be okay with, the fact that we may not be able to have more kids.  Last night, I seemed to be okay with the possibility of not having another child.  I told Joe this feeling may change in a few hours, days, weeks, months, etc.  I began to think of all the things we could be doing as a family if we weren't constantly wondering if this is "the month".  I am sick of the medication and how it is affecting my body.  I am tired of having to take time off from work for 30 minute appoinments.  We both agreed that no matter what happens, we are lucky with the fact that we do have this amazing little boy who puts smiles on our faces daily.

Joe would like me to get a second opinion from a doctor at a different clinic before we "throw in the towel".  The clinic I am going to now is the one of the best and most-known in this area.  I am going to talk to my OB, whom I love and respect, to see if he has any other recommendations for a second opinion.  I would also like to see if another set of eyes would be able to figure out what is going on with my body and why it was so easy the first time and has since become nearly impossible.  I really wish someone would tell me, "Laura, the problem is....  It doesn't look like it will ever happen."  I would be able to better accept things if I hear that.  I am not saying it would be easy to accept that news, but it is better than hearing, "I don't know why you are not pregnant.  On paper, you should be." 

I wish someone could tell me when I will know that "enough is enough".

Cautiously Optimistic

This a concept that I believe anyone who is TTC tries to stick to. You hope and hope for success with each cycle, but at the same time you cannot get too excited and have your dreams broken. This is how I would describe myself in this TWW.

I have been trying really hard to remain positive and at the same time, not think too much about things. I guess I can thank the craziness of school and the end of the first quarter for this. I don't know if it is school, or the progesterone, that is keeping me exhausted. I usually fall asleep before I can finish listening to my Circle and Bloom relaxation exercises. I have been having a pretty normal TWW, but had a little spotting that concerned me. I called my RE, and they couldn't say exactly what could have caused it and I would need to wait until my beta test to see if the IUI worked or not. I go Monday afternoon, so a few more days to wait.

Again, still trying to remain cautiously optimistic thus weekend.

Fall 2011 Family Pictures

Click here to view these pictures larger

Round 5

We have just started another round of IUI. Tonight was my fourth night of Menopur injections. For some reason, this time around the shots hurt. They used to hurt when I was actually pushing the medication in, but now it hurts from the moment I try sticking the needle in until I pull it out. I have heard from some other people that I know through a board I am on that this has happened to them, too. I wonder why it is? I do feel different this time around in the 1-2 hours after my shots. I feel twinges coming from my ovaries. Hopefully that is a good sign. I think those of us who are TTC look for any potential "good signs". I suppose it could be something else, but trying to remain positive. I have also been doing my Circle and Bloom relaxation exercises each night, but school has been so exhausting that I keep falling asleep through them. I must be getting really good at them if I can become that relaxed :) If you know me, I have a hard time relaxing. I always feel like I should be doing something else, or thinking about something else.

The other night, as I had the needle in my stomach, who comes into the bathroom? Jake! He looks at me with worried eyes and asks me, "Are you okay, Mommy?" I assured him that I was okay. I tried yelling for Joe, but when you have a needle inside you, it is hard to do that. I told Jake to go get daddy and Joe came back to the bathroom and I told him what Jake saw. We just told him that I was taking medicine. I wonder if he said anything to anyone at preschool or daycare. "My mommy was putting medicine in her tummy last night!" Not what I really want to be explaining to everyone!

Jake's Preschool Songs

Jake wanted to show off the songs he has learned at preschool. I think he did an amazing job! I used to teach my kindergarteners these same songs. I love listening to him sing them instead :)

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  It is one of those days you really wish did not have to exist.  Nobody should have to go through the loss of a child, no matter the age of the child.  There was this one blog that I received the link to that I felt was a good one for people to read if they know someone who has had a miscarriage.  I would highly suggest taking a look at this link.  It gives tips on how you should approach a woman who has suffered a miscarriage.  
http://gbbcwellnessblog.com/?p=271


I have been doing really well the past few months at not getting too sad about the fact that after so many months, we are still not pregnant.  I have even been okay when learning of friends who have announced their pregnancies.  Now seeing friends in person who are pregnant...that is a whole other story.  Not quite ready for that.  I think it is the visual reminder of what I don't have that makes it too difficult.  I lost it this week when I watched the most recent episode of Parenthood.  If you do not watch that show, you should start!  It is one of my favorites.  Just when you think your family life is chaotic, the lives of the characters on this show can bring you back to reality.  Anyways, one of the characters has a daughter that is in first or second grade.  She and her husband have been trying to get pregnant for a second time.  They have had a lot of difficulties.  To make matters worse, her brother and sister-in-law get pregnant.  They weren't planning to, as they have two older children.  In the episode I watched, the pregnant sister-in-law gave birth to her little girl and the sister who has been having infertility problems was so excited while visiting in the hospital room.  She was the first one to hold the new baby.  I was crying like a baby during that scene.  I think it is because I have been thinking a lot lately about the possibility of my sister-in-laws getting pregnant in the near future, before I do.  Not saying that will happen, but what if it does?  Will I be able to handle it?  Will I be able to see them?  Will I be able to be excited for them?  


A lot of "what ifs" going on in my head today.

The Best Father/Daughter Dance EVER!

Brittany and her Dad did the best Father/Daughter dance ever.  My dad and sister have their work cut out for them for next October!

A Fox Family Wedding

Last weekend, Joe and I went with my family (minus the kids) out east for a wedding in Annapolis. We had an amazing time, despite the fact thatthe weatherin MD was colder than the weather here. Who would havethought that would happen the first weekend in October.

It was our cousin's wedding. Well, Brittany is not technically my cousin, but we call each other cousins. Our dad's were best friends growing upand our families have remained close eversince. Brittany comes to MN to visit family about once a year. We always make sure to have a Knutson/Fox family get together. Ourfamily has gone to MD to visit Brittany and her family. Most recently, Brittany and her now husband (!) are living in Las Vegas. Jamie and I have been out there a couple times and just were out there for Brittany's bachelorette party at the end of July. When we found out the date of the wedding, we were all excited for a mini-vacation.

I was more than ready to get on a plane after a crazy couple of weeks of school. It was a lot of work getting things ready for a sub for 1 1/2 days. The one thing I was looking forward to was catching up on some sleep. I definitely did!

While we were in Annapolis we were able to spend time at the Fox house for a bonfire the night we got into town. We went to a bridesmaid's brunch in the marina and shopped in downtown Annapolis. We ate dinner at a crab house. No crab for me, but most of my family was very excited for that meal. We haddrinks at this great bar/restaurant. The downtown of Annapolis has all these historic brick buildings with amazing architecture. The wedding was at a historical botanical garden in a town close to Annapolis. Most of all, we were ableto spend time as a family, and spend time with Brittany, her family, and their extended family.

Here are a few highlights of the trip!

Katie, Me, Mom, and Jamie

Me and the Bride-to-Be

Me, Brittany, and Jamie

All of us

The Knutsons and Britt and Taylor

Out after the Groom's Dinner at The Sly Fox (great name...coincidence?)

Joe and I at the wedding

Brittany and her dad during the BEST Father/Daughter dance

We Have a Preschooler

So, I completely failed at keeping our blog updated over the summer. I gave it my best!

The start of the school year has come and gone. It has been an adjustment for all of us. Jake is back at daycare full time and is enjoying being able to see his friends and playing with them. He also started preschool last week. He loves it and we could not be happier. He goes for 2 1/2 hours Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Cheryl (daycare) drops him off and picks him up Tuesday and Wednesday. Joe's hours on Thursdays have changed, so he has been able to drop Jake off and Cheryl picks him up.

Here is what he has told me about preschool:

• They have celebrated two kids' birthdays and ate cookies.
• He does not like Indira (one of the birthday kids and goes to daycare with Jake). He has said this repeatedly. He calls her "Ondira". "I don't like her!" We have had to talk about the fact that you still need to be nice to her even if you don't want to play with her.
• He has learned a few songs-"The Circle Song" and "The Clean Up Song".
• His picture is on the paper at school, not on the wall. Really, it is up on the bulletin board.
• Tyreese is his buddy (another birthday boy and friend from daycare).
• Sometimes they go into the "Muscle Room". According to Jake, it has chairs, couches, basketball nets, but no balls, and a slide. I am thinking it is a gym, but the couches and chairs are really throwing me.
• He likes snack time.
• He does not know his teachers' names, but he has two of them. Three, if you count the director, who is in the room next door. She is a daycare buddy's grandmother. She is always telling us how cute Jake is.
• This past week they learned about apples and the color red. They learned a poem that I used to teach to my kindergartners. It was way cuter to see him say it!

I am getting used to being back at work. I have a pretty good group of students. One particular class gives me a headache most days, but at least I only see them for 55 minutes and at the end of the day. We have some really chatty and needy kids, but we have a bigger group of nice, sweet, and hard working students, too. Second full week down and I am exhausted!

Here are some pictures of Jake at preschool. He is in a phase of not wanting his picture taken, so some of them are the back of his head!

Jake with Joe and me the morning of his first day. Big smiles!

Hugging his daycare friend, Nick

So excited to go in!

Taking his jacket off at his hook

And we are done with pictures!

Second Annual Trip to Duluth with The Johnsons

After our weekend at Big Fish, Jake and I left for Duluth Monday morning. We were heading up to The Edge Water park to meet Haley, Cade, and Calli for our annual summer trip to Duluth. We were staying one night. We decided to try a different hotel than last year, one that was more "kid friendly". What could be more friendly than a water park, right?

I love driving up to Duluth. I get excited every time! It brings back so many memories. I wonder how many times I had made that trip. It was a little different this time because part of the drive was "under construction". There wasn't any work being done because the government was shutdown at the time, but it was only two lanes for about 15 miles. The drive down the hill into Duluth has always made me nervous, no matter how many times I may have driven it. I am not sure why. I think I am afraid that I will slide down it. I know, it doesn't make sense, but it is ingrained in my brain and I cannot help it.

It was hot all over MN the day we were in Duluth. It was hotter in the Cities, but it was still hot for being in Duluth. At one point we went to a park down in Canal Park for the kids to play at and we could only last about 10 minutes because it was so warm. I am sure it was even warmer on the hill.

We spent most of the day on Monday at the hotel. Once we were checked in, it was off to the Water park! I was really hoping Jake would like the toddler area. He did, after a while. It had a large bucket that dumped water every-so-often. Jake and Calli thought it was really loud and made a big stink about plugging their ears. I'm not sure what the big deal was, it wasn't that loud, but you cannot convince two three year-olds that! We spent most of the time in the bigger pool that had basketball hoops and a vortex pool. Jake was being a stinker and would not wear his life jacket, so I had to hold him most of the time. There were a few cut-outs in the pool that had benches, which Jake loved to play on. We learned our lesson from last time about staying in for dinner. We went to our favorite restaurant last year, which was not "kid friendly" and was the dinner from he%$. Pizza it was for us! We were all asleep by about 9:30, which felt amazing! The next day we had breakfast at the hotel. The kids all had eyes bigger than their stomachs and wasted a lot. It was free though, so what can you do? We swam for a little bit and were able to get Jake and Calli to play more in the toddler pool. Pretty soon it was time to get showered and check out of our room. We drove up to campus because I needed to get a new Bulldog Hockey t-shirt to wear on Mondays at school. The kids were crazy in the Bulldog Shop. I am sure we had a few dirty looks as the boys were going nuts with the football. Thank goodness it is the summer and there are not that many people shopping there. We walked around a little bit before we realized it was starting to rain and we needed to get to our cars. After we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways, there was a severe weather announcement on the radio. A severe thunderstorm with hail and wind was heading directly toward Duluth. I was going to hit it, no matter what. Haley could possibly get a head of it before it moved in to Wisconsin. I started driving and got about 10 miles out of Duluth before the rain was so bad that I had to pull into a gas station. We sat there for a bout 30 minutes. I stuck a movie in for Jake to keep him entertained. I was following the radar on my phone and left when there was a slight break. I drove about 1 mile and had to pull off again. Once I started again, it was pretty much smooth sailing. Of course when it went down to two lanes there was a 5 minute downpour! As if driving through a construction zone isn't hard enough, even if there isn't any real work being done... I was really excited when I saw the sign for Forest Lake and knew we were going to be home soon!

Jake desperately wants a DS now!

A DQ Disaster of sorts!

My Stair-Swimmer

Cade in the "swirly pool"

Brave Calli swimming on her own

Calli snuck her "zappy" out of her bag while Haley was in the shower

Good Ol' 21st!

Entering UMD!

Yeah for Raspberry Tart!

Hockey Boys

Overall, another successful trip to Duluth! Next time, I think we will leave the kids at home and make it a girls' trip!

Weekend at Big Fish

Last weekend, we packed up the car and headed west on 94 to Cold Springs. My sister-in-law's family has a cabin on Big Fish Lake. Jake and I have been there a number of times in the last few years, but it always seems to fall on a weekend that Joe worked. I think Matt and Katie were starting to take offense at the fact that Joe never comes up. The last time he was there was for the groom's dinner for their wedding almost three years ago. It also was a bonus that it was Matt's week to have Hailey, so Jake was really excited to see his big cousin.

The weather was very weird that weekend. On Saturday, it was humid, yet overcast. It made it easier to spend time outside. Had it not been overcast, the heat would have been really unbearable. MN has had some high temps this past week. The next day, it was the same thing, except even more humid. You could have taken a shower when you walked out of the cabin. There was so much condensation on the windows. It did get sunny earlier in the day than on Saturday. We were all hoping for a sunny weekend, but we were able to do all the things we had wanted to do.

Jake and Hailey logged in some serious movie watching time. Jake loved the fact that Kit (Katie's mom) had different movies than we have at home. We have quite the collection since Jake's broken leg last year. Some days, I wonder if there is a Disney movie we don't own!

We were able to head over to the sandbar (or sandbox, as Jake called it) to float and play in the water. There was even a bachelor party over there that had brought their own keg into the lake. That was something I had never seen before. Jake wasn't all that cooperative with being in the water or floating, so we did not stay that long. That behavior seems to be the case lately. Is it the boy in him, or the 3 year old. A terrible combination of the two?

Hailey and Matt both were able to water ski after dinner on Saturday night. It amazes me how good Hailey has become over the last few years. She has these great training skis that have really helped her. Katie holds onto one end of the rope and Hailey holds onto the other. Katie is the one who pulls her out of the water. On Sunday, Matt tried giving her the regular ski rope just to see how she would do. She gave it two really good tries, but wasn't able to pull herself up. She is a determined girl and I know she will master that in no time. It is always fun to watch my brother ski. You would think he grew up on a lake! Hailey also tubed. I was thinking about doing it myself, but the possibility of being in pain (back), wasn't quite worth it.

Hailey and Jake went on special "missions" during the weekend. They were off finding things and going places on a variety to toys: Barbie Jeep, scooter, bike, and Big Wheel. Jake loved the Power Wheels toy. I think we will get him one for his next birthday. He would be so excited!

Jordan and Jake were funny to watch. They would be fine playing with each other one minute and then Jake would be telling on him the next. It is hard to explain to Jake that Jordan (a 1 year old) doesn't quite know how to share, and yes, sometimes he does bite. There were lots of laughs, smiles, and a few tears.

It was a great to get away for the weekend and spend time with the St. Cloud Knutsons! Hopefully, it won't take another three years to get Joe back there!

The Dentist

Jake had his first visit to the dentist last week. They had him in for a "happy visit". He was able to ride in the chair and see the tools the dentist and hygienist uses. His favorite thing to do was to use the "squirt gun" and fill up his cup of water and then use the vacuum tool to suck it back up. I think he had to do this no less than five times. He let the hygienist clean his teeth for about 2.2 seconds before he had enough. She counted his teeth-10 on top and 10 on bottom. Jake met the dentist and let him take a peek in his mouth. The dentist said his teeth look good. Jake was excited to get a new toothbrush, some floss, a mask, and rubber gloves. All in all, a good visit to the dentist. Back in 6 months.

Jake also had his first run in with the cops. Okay, just the mall cop. We went shopping after the dentist to Eden Prairie Center. They have this fun indoor play area that Jake loves. At one point, he decided that he wanted to go up the escalator. He bolted from me and ran onto it. He almost fell off, but I thankfully caught up with him before that could happen. I was having a little "heart-to-heart" with him as we were taking the escalator back down to the floor we started on. When we got to the bottom, the mall cop came up to Jake and told him that he needed to listen to his mommy and never get onto the escalator without holding his parent's hand and that he could get really hurt. Jake wouldn't look at him in the eye, but I think he understood to never do that again.

He now tells me when I do something he doesn't like, that he is going to call the fire truck guys to come and get me, just like the police talked to him... We'll see how that goes...