A funk. That describes what I am stuck in. It may be the fact that, in preparation for IVF this late spring/early summer, my doctor had me go off my antidepressants. I should have told him that I knew a BUNCH of people that were going to deliver their babies in March, and now April, and maybe staying on them might be a good idea. Not a good mix-an infertile and someone off their medication. I am willing to do whatever he wants me to do to increase the successfulness of our next big step in our journey to expand our family. I thought I was doing okay with the number of announcements I had heard within just the last week of March. Then last Tuesday happened. My niece Payton was finally released from Children's Hospital after being there for the past 140 days. Were my tears in the car after school tears of joy? You bet they were. She is the strongest little girl I know. Were they tears of sadness? Yep. It was just a reminder that someone else was bringing home their baby, and I can't make my body get pregnant. It has been extremely difficult having both of my sister-in-laws give birth recently. One has had two kids in the time that we have been trying. Of course I am happy because I have a new niece and nephews to hold and snuggle with. But, it is not fair. This post is, in no way, directed at them. It is me explaining what I have been feeling.
This spring has brought a lot of new babies (announcements and births); from people who entered my life both during college and after. I don't want to "rain on anybody's parade", but if new moms are able to be happy, I am able to be sad, right? Each time I hear someone new announce their pregnancy, or post a picture of their baby in their car seat on the way out of the hospital, it hurts. It makes me not want to do either if we are lucky enough to have another child. I know how it affects people like me. Having being diagnosed with this disease, because that is what it is, has taught me so much. I know what to be sensitive about. It stinks to not have the emotion on the outside match the inside. It stinks to feel guilty that they don't match.
I am ready to stop being sad all the time and am ready to be happy. I am ready for things to go in the right direction for us. I know that some people would say, at least you have one child. You should be happy with that fact. True. And I am. I know now, more than ever, how much a gift Jacob is to us. People can want more though. And I do. The two boys in my life do, too. Please let it be our turn.
