We were and then we weren't...

It has been a roller coaster of a week.  We started off last week on a high of celebrating our 7th anniversary.  We normally don't do much to celebrate, but this year we did go out for dinner at restaurant that was new to us.  It was nice to get out and spend time together. We were also celebrating the fact that for this first time in 4 years we had positive pregnancy tests.  Several to be exact and a blood test to prove it.

And then Thursday happened.  I went in for a repeat blood test and we found out that my pregnancy hormone did not double in 48 hours like it should have.  It could mean one of two things.  It was just a slow growing embryo that would take off soon, or it was going to be a pregnancy that wouldn't be viable and I would miscarry early-on.  I would have to wait until the next Monday to have another blood test to see what changed.

Fast forward to Monday.  My levels dropped by 70.  I was miscarrying.  I knew it was the case based on my symptoms over the weekend.  The fact that I have gone through this before gave me an indication of what the results were going to be.  I go in tomorrow to see how much the level has dropped.  It needs to get to 0 before we can proceed with anything further.  We may wait until winter to do a frozen cycle.  There isn't enough time before I go back to work to start anything now.

It was hard at the end of last week.  I couldn't believe how over the course of three days I went from being excitedly pregnant to the extreme opposite.  It was also a long weekend waiting until Monday to hear officially what was going on.  

A positive was that I did get pregnant after three years of fertility treatments.  It doesn't make it easier to know that I have  become pregnant three times, but have only brought one baby home.

1dp5dt

I'm one day past a five day transfer.  There are so many new acronyms that I have learned throughout this journey.  Yesterday morning, we transferred two blastocysts.  One was graded a 1 (the highest quality) and the other was graded a 2.  My doctor gave us a picture of both embryos.  It is surreal to think they are inside of me now.  The procedure itself was quick and painless.  They had me stay on the exam table for ten minutes right after the procedure before they moved us into the same recovery room that I was in on Tuesday.  It was emotional those first ten minutes.  I couldn't believe that we were at that place in our journey to expand our family.  

Now we are playing the waiting game.  I go in for my pregnancy test a week from tomorrow. I'm laying low the next two days.  Thankfully our parents are both able to help take care of Jake.  Lots of DVD watching and maybe some reading, too.  I did get a call this morning to let us know the remaining 5 embryos reached the blastocyst stage and are able to be frozen.  That was good news to hear.  

Transfer Day Is Here

I received the call this morning that 7 embryos are continuing to grow.  They will look at them again tomorrow and determine how many are still growing and transfer the best two.  If there are any remaining, we hope to freeze them.  The transfer is at 10:15 tomorrow morning.

Hoping for good news in the morning!

Retrieval Complete

Yesterday morning we went in for our retrieval.  They were able to get 16 eggs.  My doctor was pleased with that number.  He said it was above average.  We now have to wait until tomorrow to hear from the embryologist to hear how many fertilized and how many continue to develop.

The procedure itself was very easy.  The nurse I had and the anesthesiologist were great.  They were very friendly and took great care of me.  My doctor happened to be on the schedule to perform retrievals and transfers this week.  It was nice to take a short nap through it all.  The last thing I remembered was having the nose cannula (which made me think of my niece Payton) put in and then I was in recovery waking up.  We stayed there for about 30 minutes.  They gave me a pain medicine through my IV and once that kicked in, I was feeling much better.  So thirsty and hungry.  

I was able to join Jamie, Tim, Matt, Katie, and three of their friends for the OAR concert last night.  Thank you to my sister who was my chauffeur!  I was tired after standing up the whole time.  Jacob and I stayed around the house today and watched movies.  I am a little sore and dealing with issues from coming off the anesthesia.  Although it was gorgeous outside, it was what my body needed.  I was pretty tired, too.  There will be other sunny days.  At least I hope there will be.

Hoping for good results tomorrow!

Retrieval is Tomorrow (Tuesday)

It is crazy to think that by this time tomorrow morning, my eggs will have been retrieved.  I went in yesterday morning for another ultrasound and blood draw.  The nurse who was in the room said I was on the fence between doing my trigger shot Sunday night or continuing my stimulation shots one more day and returning back on Monday morning for another check-up.  The nurse told me that I would be more tired and sore because my ovaries were quite large.  I could already tell this was the case, as I was falling asleep on the couch Saturday night around 7 and felt uncomfortable.  She told me to take it easy and lay down as much as possible.  Joe and I decided it would be a great day to take Jake to see Monsters University. The nurse called me shortly before we were leaving for the movie to tell me that my doctor wanted me to trigger Sunday night and then come in Tuesday morning at 8:30 for a 9:30 retrieval.  We quickly figured out plans for Jake that morning and that evening, as Joe would have to switch his hours and I have plans to go to a concert if I am feeling up to it.  We all thought the movie was a good one.  Jake was so excited and laughed so loudly in his cute high-pitched laugh throughout the entire film.  He loves going to movies, especially 3D ones!   At 9:30 p.m., Joe had to give me the shot because it was an intramuscular shot.  All of the other shots I gave to myself were subcutaneous.  I think I was more nervous for this shot because I was not the one in control.  He had watched the video and was in the room when the nurse went through how to administer it, so he did know what he was doing.  It wasn't as bad as I was expecting. He did a good job!

If everything goes as planned, Joe will drive me home from the clinic tomorrow and Jake and I will hang out for the afternoon and then I will drop him off with Joe's stepdad and I will go with my sister, brother-in-law, brother, and sister-in-law to the OAR concert.  I know that I may be in some pain, but I really want to be able to see them in concert.  The transfer should take place Sunday morning, provided that we have more than 2 embryos that survive for 5 days.  We will receive phone calls throughout the week to let us know how the embryos are doing.  I am trying to stay positive that we will have several that survive and that we can freeze some and transfer 2.  Monday and Tuesday next week will be bed rest for me (Jake will spend time with grandparents and at a zoo class since Joe cannot take time off) and then Jake and I will head to St. Cloud for the 4th.  Joe has to work on the 5th and 6th.  We are sad he cannot come with us.  Jake will have a blast playing with his cousins on the lake! 

Crossing my fingers for lots of eggs tomorrow!

Slight Panic

Today was not my brightest of days.  As I was mixing my shots this morning, I accidentally put the medicine into the wrong bottle (put it back into the diluent) and wasted an entire vial of one drug that is quite pricey.  I found out that I could have actually used the vial with the extra diluent, but I had already tossed it into my Sharps container.  I don't know if you can even get those containers open, and if I did, would I be able to determine which vial had the extra medicine?  I compared my frustration to when I was breastfeeding Jacob and I would spill some of it out of the bottle.  It is like liquid gold.  You don't want to waste any of it.  To make matters worse, when I had refilled my prescription yesterday, they were only able to find 3 vials, and I had just wasted one.  Thankfully, they were able to courier the remaining vials today and I was able to pick them up when I was out at my appointment.  As it turns out, my doctor is decreasing my dosage, so I probably don't need all the refills I filled.  You just never know and you can't wait until the last minute to fill a prescription, because as I have learned on a few occasions, fertility medication can be hard to come by.  There was also an issue with how much I had been charged for one of my prescriptions yesterday.  A month ago, it was $174 cheaper!  That was a huge red flag for me.  I called my insurance company and they did some digging around and called back to say there was an error and the pharmacy owes me money.  I am waiting to hear back from the pharmacy to find out when I can pick up the refund.  I have been fortunate in that I found a local pharmacy that has been very helpful over the past year with filling my prescriptions.  They are now starting to recognize me when I walk in.  I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing...  I had also lost the token to get out of the parking ramp at my clinic somewhere in my car.  Thankfully, I had an extra one from weeks back when they were repairing the parking entrance.  I would have looked like a fool going back in to ask for another token.  My brain is not working so well today!

At my appointment today, I found that everything has been growing just as it should.  Estrogen levels are up, lining is good, and follicles are increasing in size.  My doctor was concerned with how high my estrogen level was today, which is why he decreased the medicine.  I understand it to mean that he doesn't want them to grow too large too quickly.  I go in on Saturday and we will see what they decide.  We have to leave the house early to drop Jake off at Joe's mom's house, which neither of us will be too excited about.  I owe a big thank you to our families who have been able to watch Jake as I am at appointments.  Jake even went to Joe's work on Tuesday and kept himself entertained watching a movie while Joe was at work.  Going through fertility treatments when you have another child has some challenges.  For obvious reasons, the clinic prefers you to not bring children to appointments.  Since we began this journey almost three years ago, Jake has only been to one appointment and that was very early on.  We have been very lucky to have the support of our families. 

Growing

I went in today for a ultrasound and blood work.  My medication is working at a typical rate.  They said they would call today if they wanted me to increase the dosages.  Since I did not hear from them, I will take it as a sign that my estradiol was at an better number than on Sunday, which is why they increased both medications.  I am feeling a bit more full and continue having headaches.  Other than that, I have been feeling fine.  I am bruising more on my stomach.  With three injections a day, it is hard to find a new site, which is probably why it is hurting more.  I would think it would hurt less the more I give myself them, but what do I know.  Jake and I went to visit a friend and her IVF miracles today.  Such an inspiration.  They are little cuties, too!

We'll see what growth Thursday brings...

Stimulation Underway

Today marks the first day of stimulations.  I am on 75 units of Menopur and 225 units of Follistim.  I have been on both medications before, just not at the same time.  I am still Lupron, which I have been on since June 4th, but I have decreased the dosage from 20 to 5 units.  I give myself the Lupron and Menopur shots in the morning and the Follistim at dinner time.  Since I started the Lupron while I was still working, I woke up at 5 to do the injection.  I didn't think that one all the way through, because now on summer vacation, I am still getting up around 5.  Oh well.  So far, the injections have been going pretty well.  I have learned that my skin has a reaction to the Lupron.  For the first 20 minutes, my injection site looks and feels like a little insect bite.  The nurses assured me that as long as it goes away, it is nothing to be concerned about.  The one side effect I have had is headaches.  I have always been a person that has headaches and can learn to deal with them.  This time around, they seem to be worse and all that I can take is extra strength Tylenol.  Yeah, that does nothing to help me!  It is like offering a cup of decaf coffee to someone who needs a nice, warm cup of fully-caffeinated coffee.  I dealt with this at different points during my pregnancy, so I know that I can do it.  They are still a pain.  I am hoping that is all the side effects I get, but am prepared for more.  I go in for a blood draw Sunday morning and then ultrasounds and more blood draws at least two days next week to see how my body is responding to the medication.  I am hoping my follicles grow nice and big, just not too fast.  

Thankfully, we have been busy this week and will be busy next week, too.  I am trying to not let myself worry or think about all the negative "what-ifs".  This is not an easy task for me, the worrier.

Poor Jacob had his 5 year shots today, three to be exact.  He did the best he could to stay tough.  There were lots of tears and screams in the little room we were in.  The last time he had shots was a while ago and he is at the age now that he knows exactly what is going on and the pain they bring.  We stopped at Redbox and rented a few movies and took a nice long nap after his appointment.  He was up and ready to go to a teammate from his soccer team's birthday party at an place with inflatable slides and jumpers.  I was worried that he would be complaining of sore legs, but he had a good time and made friends with a little girl named Laura.  He is quite the charmer with the ladies :)

Medicine Has Arrived

I start my first set of shots tomorrow, Lupron, which basically turns my system off.  I have to give this shot in the morning for the next ten days before I add two other shots at night to start stimulating the ovaries.  Here is a picture of my medication.  I have moved up in the world and now have a Sharps container. Oh the little things😀

IVF #1 Underway

We have officially began the process of IVF.  Joe and I have both gone in for blood work and each had different tests done to make sure that everything is working the way it should.  Everything looks good for both of us.  We go in next Wednesday for our nurse consult to learn about the medication I will be one and to make our payment.  Ouch!  I started birth control pills on Monday.  It feels odd to be on them again.  I will be on them until June 7th.  I will go through the first three weeks of one pack, skip the sugar pills, and start the first week of pills for the second pack.  Being on these pills allows for my doctor to be in control of my system.  There will be some overlap between the BCP and other medication, but I will learn more about that later this week.  I have heard that some women have side effects with these pills, but so far, I have only noticed soreness in my chest.

I hope to know more information about everything on Wednesday. 

Jake's 5th Birthday-Adventure Peak and Space Aliens

A Week Late

Jake finally had his last birthday celebration this weekend. Once I get the pictures uploaded, I'll share them, along with all the fun details of his multiple celebrations :)

A funk. That describes what I am stuck in. It may be the fact that, in preparation for IVF this late spring/early summer, my doctor had me go off my antidepressants. I should have told him that I knew a BUNCH of people that were going to deliver their babies in March, and now April, and maybe staying on them might be a good idea. Not a good mix-an infertile and someone off their medication. I am willing to do whatever he wants me to do to increase the successfulness of our next big step in our journey to expand our family. I thought I was doing okay with the number of announcements I had heard within just the last week of March. Then last Tuesday happened. My niece Payton was finally released from Children's Hospital after being there for the past 140 days. Were my tears in the car after school tears of joy? You bet they were. She is the strongest little girl I know. Were they tears of sadness? Yep. It was just a reminder that someone else was bringing home their baby, and I can't make my body get pregnant. It has been extremely difficult having both of my sister-in-laws give birth recently. One has had two kids in the time that we have been trying. Of course I am happy because I have a new niece and nephews to hold and snuggle with. But, it is not fair. This post is, in no way, directed at them. It is me explaining what I have been feeling.

This spring has brought a lot of new babies (announcements and births); from people who entered my life both during college and after. I don't want to "rain on anybody's parade", but if new moms are able to be happy, I am able to be sad, right? Each time I hear someone new announce their pregnancy, or post a picture of their baby in their car seat on the way out of the hospital, it hurts. It makes me not want to do either if we are lucky enough to have another child. I know how it affects people like me. Having being diagnosed with this disease, because that is what it is, has taught me so much. I know what to be sensitive about. It stinks to not have the emotion on the outside match the inside. It stinks to feel guilty that they don't match.

I am ready to stop being sad all the time and am ready to be happy. I am ready for things to go in the right direction for us. I know that some people would say, at least you have one child. You should be happy with that fact. True. And I am. I know now, more than ever, how much a gift Jacob is to us. People can want more though. And I do. The two boys in my life do, too. Please let it be our turn.

Relaxing Day

After running errands most of the week, it was great to spend the day at home. We actually had a real reason to stay in, but that involved Jake's "bathroom" difficulties. Long story-but it is improving. Jake loves to have movie days/movie nights. A perfect day for that. It was really nice out, and I wish we would have spent time outside, but when you gotta go, you gotta go!

I spent the day working on a little project for my nieces and nephews. Once it is finished, pictures will be posted. We did however dye eggs. We tried using vinegar and food coloring this year. It worked pretty well-it was nice to have some different colors to use. Jake was very determined to write each of our names on the eggs. He is starting to use a mix of uppercase and lowercase letters. Getting ready for kindergarten!

Date with Jake

Jake and I went to see The Croods this morning. He was very excited to see this movie. It was a cute one, even though I felt myself nod off a few times. Jake has always loved seeing movies in theaters. He was very sweet and kept telling me how much he loved me and how much fun he had. Just wish he would remember this when I asked him to help clean up the toy room!

Jamie and I, along with two of her friends, went to a Wine and Canvas event tonight. I admit that I was really nervous to paint the painting that was selected for the evening. I am the least artistic person. I tell my students that my stick people look fat. I was proud of how my final product turned out. I loved the fact that it was a take on Starry Night, my favorite painting!

SB Day #2

The second day of spring break flew by. We were able to see Karla, Annika, and the twins. We tried to enjoy Pump it Up, but neither of the big kids were very interested. An eventful lunch cheered them up. A trip to Karla's mom's allowed me to hold both babies :) Jake joined me on another afternoon of errands. Yesterday, while we were out he complained that he had to get in and out of the car too much. We actually had more errands today, but no complaints. He was a very good sport with all the places. He even pushed the cart at one store. My little man!

I found a perfect sign for the kitchen, specifically on top of the cupboards. Joe was not too excited about it. He did not give the "approval". Oh well!

I have been in a crafty mood lately. Here was my first creation of the week. I am pretty proud of myself. Pinterest inspired :)

I have a date with my almost 5 year old tomorrow. Cannot wait!

Spring Break Day 1

I wish I could say we were spending spring break somewhere warm and tropical. Nope, just good ol'Shakopee. My parents, on the other-hand, have just started their 10 vaca in Mexico. I am more than a little jealous! Maybe in 30 years, that will be Joe and me. Until then, here we are. Fortunately, I get to spend my break with this cutie-who is only going to be 4 for 3 more days!

He listens...sometimes

Some of you may know how well my husband listens and pays attention if you are a customer at his work. At home...not so much. I was completely shocked when he came home on Thursday night and surprised me with a present. One may think diamonds, flowers, etc. Nope. A hooded sweatshirt. I was very happy and excited for it, even if it was a sweatshirt. You see, back at the end of January, Joe and I went to a concert in Excelsior that was part of the North American Pond Hockey Tournament. His uncle, along with some friends run this tournament to benefit another friend who died unexpectedly last year. While we were there, all the wives of the tournament owners were wearing these
hooded sweatshirts with hockey laces. While at dinner, we heard there was only one more for sale, and it was a XXL, or something quite like that. Had there been one in my size, I would have for sure bought it. I didn't think anything of the sweatshirt since that night. I will proudly wear this sweatshirt and always remember that my husband does pay attention. Sometimes.

Winter Update

It has been a LOOONG time since I last posted anything.  I wish I could say it was because were so busy with lots of exciting events, but not quite the case.  While there have been some exciting events that have happened with family and friends, not much new with the three of us. 

Over the past few months we have:

• Welcomed the birth of a new niece and nephew.  Payton McKenzie Knutson (Mike and Nikki and big sister Paige) was born November 14th, 2012.  She was born at 25 weeks gestation and has been at the Children's Hospital in Minneapolis since then.  She is has overcome so much in her life and is quite the little fighter.  Here is a like to her CaringBridge site http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/paytonknutson2012.  Tyler John Knutson (Matt and Katie and big sister Hailey and big brother Jordan was born 1/18/13 (just a day away from sharing a birthday with his Uncle Joe!).  We are so excited to have new babies to spoil :)
• Two of our friends (separately) had over the past three months.  Joe and I realized that in our wedding party, there were three people who eventually had twins.  What are the chances??
• Jake has continued to amaze us with all that he has learned at school.  He is a little sponge.  Just today, he was counting his Lego creations, and wrote out a "number chart" to show me that he had constructed (his words) 10 different ones. 
• We have been watching empty lots around us fill up with new houses.  We will have new neighbors directly across the street from us in a few weeks/months.
• Jake started skating lessons and like them, for the most part.  There was one week of tears and one week of sore feet, but lots of practice at getting up from falling down.  He told his Grandma Bien that he is really good at falling now-it doesn't hurt to do so any more.
• We have heard a lot of friends announce their pregnancies, whether it be their first or second, while we are still patiently waiting for our turn.
• We decided to make the HUGE ($$ and emotional) decision to begin IVF.  We are going to begin this new journey with my May cycle, with a hopeful egg retrieval and egg transfer at the end of June.  I plan on writing more as we go through this new journey of IVF. 

Until then...a few pictures from this winter!

Payton 

 Tyler

 Tyler coming home from the hospital

 Kaleb and Kaia Wilke

 Annual tortoise picture at the MN Zoo

 My boys on the monorail

 Mommy's turn