Not Sure How to Feel

This 2ww has me feeling lots of different emotions. I guess it is making the days go by faster with all these thoughts in my head. Here are just a few...in no particular order!

•Worried-the timing of this IUI was off due to the holidays and I am concerned that things will not work because of it.

•Guilt-I recently found out that a very close friend of mine and her husband went through, and are continuing to go, through things that are worse than infertility. I felt bad complaining to her when we talked this week once I heard what she had going on in her life.

•Frustration-People around us seem to continue to get pregnant and we can't. A cousin of Joe's just announced their second pregnancy. I thought I heard something about it on Thanksgiving, but I did not care to find out if it was true. Their first was born after Jake. It is just not fair. To be honest, I have not congratulated them, and don't know when I will. I won't be seeing them for a few months. Like I have said before, infertility brings out a side of you that is so bitter. Is it right? Wrong? Should anyone be able to judge my decisions? I don't really care, I guess.

•Confused-Do we stop our journey if this cycle doesn't work? Should we get a second opinion and ask for more testing? I wish I knew the answers.

•Sadness-Jake keeps telling me he wants a little brother and sister. He told me I had them in my tummy. Oh, the innocence of a 3 year old. I want to give him that so much.

•Hope-hoping for a positive! Plain and simple. I packed away some toddler toys this week that Jake doesn't play with anymore, but maybe some child in the future will. Hoping the little twinges and cramps are a good sign and the spotting I have been have on occasion is nothing bad.

It is a good thing I am on break. I wouldn't be able to teach very well with all this on my mind.

Good night!

I Have the Best Timing

After all the issues we had with the pharmacy on Wednesday, it did not surprise me that when I went to the doctor yesterday that they would tell me I would be ready for my IUI on Sunday. The one day a year my clinic is closed. The nurse gave me some options as to what I could do. I asked her what she thought would give me the most success. I continued with another 75ius of Menopur last night and this afternoon, I will give myself the HCG shot. We will go in tomorrow morning for the IUI and then have to send in reinforcements on our own on Sunday. As embarrassed as I am to have just typed that, I feel like the world already knows everything that is going on with our infertility journey, so what is one more piece of information?

Yesterday was my day to finish up Christmas shopping while Jake went to daycare. He had fun and I was productive! I have all my presents wrapped and under the tree. I think Joe still has a few presents for Jake to wrap, and then we are all set for Christmas. We are heading to my parents' house tomorrow night, waking up at our house Sunday, and then off to Joe's aunt and uncle's house later in the day. We spent last Sunday celebrating Christmas early with Joe's mom, step-dad, his brother, and his grandparents. This year we wil not see them on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

I have had to explain to Jake a few times that he will not see his cousin, Hailey, tomorrow, for Christmas. It is her year to be with her mom on Christmas and will be with Matt between Christmas and New Year's Day. He knows that she has a step-mom and step-dad and lives in two different houses. He is still trying to understand that he doesn't always get to see her when he sees Jordan and Paige. We get to head to St. Cloud on New Year's Day to celebrate with her. It will be fun to see all four cousins together and the excitement that the holidays bring.

Wish us luck for tomorrow (and Sunday)! Happy Holidays!

Sixth Round a Charm?

We are giving IUI one more try this year. I was enjoying the last part of November and the first part of December without any appointments, shots, blood draws, etc. I didn't even realize that my next cycle was supposed to start when it did. The doctor changed my Menopur dosage because he felt I was producing too many follicles, too quickly. He wanted them to have more time to develop before I had to trigger. One night I gave my self 150ius and the next night was 75 ius. Then I just repeated that process for 8 days. I am sitting in the waiting room right now hoping to be called quickly. My amazing co-workers offered to split the students in my first class, so I wouldn't have to take a 1/2 day off. Today is the last day before break and the last think I want to do is be getting ready for a sub and leaving my teammates with a bunch of crazy kids. Not that they wouldn't be crazy already due to the fact they had only a few hours until freedom...

As I was in the middle of this post, I was called into the exam room. One more day of meds and back tomorrow for another check. I am hoping things look good tomorrow (which would mean an iui on Saturday) because the clinic is closed on Sunday. I am trying not to think about what we would do if we had to wait until Monday and if my body would ovulate on its own and if we miss the window of opportunity. I told my mom I wasn't going to think about it, so I won't.

I am not very happy with my pharmacy. At first I was upset with my insurance company, but now I know it is the pharmacy I need to have a few words with. Joe went to go pick up my prescription that I needed for tonight and they told them my insurance would not let us refill it there and that we would have to go to a specialty pharmacy. The only specialty pharmacy my insurance covers is a mail order one. I need my meds by 8:00 this evening. There would ne no way to get then here in time. I was there just on Saturday and picked up that exact prescription. I know things can change fast with insurance, but in the matter of 4 days? I learned this as I was in the middle of teaching. Thankfully, the students were working on a project that is due after break, so I could give my insurance company a call. I was in tears on the phone telling the customer service representative that this whole cycle would be shot it if I could not get the meds today. She was very understanding and seemed confused by what I was telling her the pharmacy told Joe. She put me on hold and later said she would give me a call back. I did not realize it at the time, but Joe had been calling the insurance company and was trying to figure this whole mess out, too. I was so thankful he was taking time out of his day to do this. In the end, it was the pharmacy that was entering a wrong number as they were submitting my order to my insurance. Joe made it seem like they would not fully admit to doing this, but when they tried an additional number, it went through. I have to decide if I am going to call them and talk to them about this or not. You do not tell someone who is trying to pick up fertility medication that all of a sudden you are no longer able to fill their prescription! I am glad Joe dealt with the pharmacy, as I would have lost it. All these hormones are making me a sensitive mess!

Hoping for good news tomorrow. Trying to stay cautiously optimistic again. The two boards I am in through babycenter have had a lot of successes. I hope I can be one of them, and soon!

Fall Update

Most have my posts have been infertility related.  We have been busy with other things, too.  Here is a quick update with photos from October and November.

The ladies in my neighborhood were all cats at Sarah's Halloween Party

Brady and Jake at the end of Trick-or-Treating

Neither one of them wanted to smile

Playing at our Halloween Party.  They ditched their costumes before I could get a picture of Spongebob and Raphael

Jamie and Me at our party

Jake having a snack at his preschool open house

Circle Time

Singing songs for the parents

Pumpkin Song

Waiting to start

So happy that Mom. Grandma, and Papa Knutson could come watch :)

Jake and my cousin's boys playing Lightsabers on cell phones.  The wonders of technology!

Mid dual

Another cousin's peanut~August

Happy Thanksgiving!

Not This Time

I have been putting off updating the results of our pregnancy test last week.  It was a negative.  I had been catching myself thinking "What if it did work..." thoughts the night before the test.  I was mad at myself for doing that. 

It was a rough Tuesday, as I was at a workshop when I received the news.  There were no less than 4 pregnant teachers going through the training with me.  Of course I had to work as a partner with two of them at one point  in the afternoon.  I did feel better Wednesday after I had several good cries.  Jake was really worried when I was on the phone with my sister and started crying.  He was so sweet when he hugged me and told me not to be so sad.  I wish I could, buddy.

We are taking this next cycle off and then will decide what to do next. 

When is Enough Just Enough?

I started to ask myself that question yesterday.  I had some more spotting yesterday that was making me think that this cycle was not successful.  I still have to wait to get the official news Tuesday afternoon.  I began wondering when will I know, and be okay with, the fact that we may not be able to have more kids.  Last night, I seemed to be okay with the possibility of not having another child.  I told Joe this feeling may change in a few hours, days, weeks, months, etc.  I began to think of all the things we could be doing as a family if we weren't constantly wondering if this is "the month".  I am sick of the medication and how it is affecting my body.  I am tired of having to take time off from work for 30 minute appoinments.  We both agreed that no matter what happens, we are lucky with the fact that we do have this amazing little boy who puts smiles on our faces daily.

Joe would like me to get a second opinion from a doctor at a different clinic before we "throw in the towel".  The clinic I am going to now is the one of the best and most-known in this area.  I am going to talk to my OB, whom I love and respect, to see if he has any other recommendations for a second opinion.  I would also like to see if another set of eyes would be able to figure out what is going on with my body and why it was so easy the first time and has since become nearly impossible.  I really wish someone would tell me, "Laura, the problem is....  It doesn't look like it will ever happen."  I would be able to better accept things if I hear that.  I am not saying it would be easy to accept that news, but it is better than hearing, "I don't know why you are not pregnant.  On paper, you should be." 

I wish someone could tell me when I will know that "enough is enough".

Cautiously Optimistic

This a concept that I believe anyone who is TTC tries to stick to. You hope and hope for success with each cycle, but at the same time you cannot get too excited and have your dreams broken. This is how I would describe myself in this TWW.

I have been trying really hard to remain positive and at the same time, not think too much about things. I guess I can thank the craziness of school and the end of the first quarter for this. I don't know if it is school, or the progesterone, that is keeping me exhausted. I usually fall asleep before I can finish listening to my Circle and Bloom relaxation exercises. I have been having a pretty normal TWW, but had a little spotting that concerned me. I called my RE, and they couldn't say exactly what could have caused it and I would need to wait until my beta test to see if the IUI worked or not. I go Monday afternoon, so a few more days to wait.

Again, still trying to remain cautiously optimistic thus weekend.